Never Argue with a Woman

Posts: 526 · Posted: 05.07.2008, 20:42

oops missed the end of that one lol

You need to roll up the windows first.' <---- that goes with the last joke hehe.

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos.

She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk To ask what it was.

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.'

'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?

'Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied.

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

The blond replied..... ...'Two popsicles and some coffee.'

Posts: 526 · Posted: 05.07.2008, 20:42

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'

The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'

'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.'

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.

'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.

'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister.
Her mother died, too!'

Posts: 526 · Posted: 05.07.2008, 20:44

I still have lots and lots more maybe put in some more later but for now you have these to chew on lmao.

Remember laughter makes the world a happier place.

Posts: 526 · Posted: 06.07.2008, 22:39

ok back again today....

These are too funny. I rather giggled at the last one.

>

> 1. A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going

> to have her baby in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out

> to the

> cab, Lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her

> underwear.

> Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was

> in the

> wrong one.

> Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,! San Francisco

>

>

> 2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope

> on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior

> chest wall.

> 'Big Breaths,' I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied

> the

> patient.

> Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

>

>

> 3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I

> told a Wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial

> infarct.

> Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to

> the rest of

> the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

>

> submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

>

>

> 4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment

> with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he

> was having

> trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one?' I asked.

> 'The patch,

> the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now

> I'm

> running out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress

> and

> discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.

> Yes, the man had over fifty

> patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of

> the old

> patch before applying a new one.

> Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

>

> 5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,

> I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of

> complete confusion she answered.. Why, not for about twenty

> years -

> when my husband was alive.'

> Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis, OR

>

> 6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning

> and while checking up on a woman I asked, 'So how's your

> breakfast

> this morning?' 'It's very good, except for the Kentucky

> Jelly. I can't

> seem to get used to the taste' the patient replied. I then

> asked to

> see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled

> 'KY Jelly.'

> Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

>

> 7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a

> young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker

> Mohawk,

> sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,

> entered

> It was quickly determined that the patient had acute

> appendicitis, so

> she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

> When she was completely

> disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her

> pubic hair

> had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that

> read, 'Keep

> off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon

> wrote a

> short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had

> to mow

> the lawn.'

> Submitted by RN no name

>

>

> AND FINALLY!!!................

>

> 8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was

> quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams To

> cover my

> embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling

> softly.

> The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam

> suddenly

> burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up

> from my

> work and sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She

> replied, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I

> wish I

> was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'.

>

> Dr. wouldn't submit his name

Posts: 526 · Posted: 06.07.2008, 22:40

Dear Tide:
>
>
> I am writing to say what an excellent
> product you have! I've used it all of my married
> life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now
> that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In
> fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on
> my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring
> husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I
> was, and generally started becoming a pain in the
> neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended
> up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed
> my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my
> surprise and satisfaction! , all of the stains came
> out! In fact, the stains came out so well the
> detectives who came by yesterday told me that the
> DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my
> attorney called and said that I was no longer
> considered a suspect in the disappearance of my
> husband.
>
> What a relief! Going through menopause is
> bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank
> you, once again, for having a great product.
>
> Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty
> bag people.

Posts: 526 · Posted: 06.07.2008, 22:40

One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the
> front
> lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a
> bit
> unusual, but continued on my way to the store.
>
> On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old
> ladies lying naked on the lawn.
>
> This time my curiosity got the best of me, & I went inside to talk to the
> Nursing Home Administrator.
>
> 'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?'
>
> 'Yes,' she said. 'They 're retired prostitutes and they're having a yard
> sale.
>

Posts: 526 · Posted: 06.07.2008, 22:42

Wal-Mart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't! The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe someone would sleep with you twice. Have a good
day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

Posts: 526 · Posted: 06.07.2008, 22:45

a long one but worth the read

Hair Removal....

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,
painless removal -

The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

Read on......

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,
play with the kids.

I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next
few hours:

'Maybe should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those
'cold wax' kits.

No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your
hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg
(or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be?

I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to
figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck together.

Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the
hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I
lay the strip across my thigh.

Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!

Hair removal no longer eludes me!

I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin
extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north.

After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the
ultimate hair fighting championship.

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of
my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down
to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip)

I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRRRIIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!!

Blinded from pain!!!!....

OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the
strip. crepe!

Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.

I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious.

Do I hear crashing drums???

Breathe, breathe............

OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy -

a wax-covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my
hairy pelt sticking to it.

I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.

I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair???

WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.

I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not!

I touch. I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now
covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped
upon the toilet?

I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
think to myself

'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!'

What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!

I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse
the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub -

The water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war
or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub....in scalding hot water.

Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
secret of how to get me undone.

It's a very good conversation starter 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued
together to the bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal
but she does try to hide her laughter from me.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking
cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her.

I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side
of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!!

I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the
wax off with a razor .

Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot
wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then
dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm
pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this
event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point?

I rub some on and OH MY STARS!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my
friend.

It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.

'IT WORKS!!

It works !!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs
up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my
grief and despair....

THE HAIR IS STILL THERE........ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.

I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

Posts: 2053 · Posted: 06.07.2008, 23:15

next week hair color?? oh dear haven't you learned yet lol

Posts: 510 · Posted: 06.07.2008, 23:43

That was a painfull lesson :-)

Posts: 510 · Posted: 07.07.2008, 00:13

A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his
doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an
advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. Guaranteed like
heck, he thinks to himself. But lets see what they think they can do.
He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight
loss program.
The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers,
there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe
dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her
neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss
company. The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. Well,
without a second thought he takes off after her (like who wouldn't).
A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has
his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last
time and thinks to himself with a nod, I like the way this company
does business.
For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing
happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure
enough, he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat
more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he
calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight
loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems
like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might
be like this time.
As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he
answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but
a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply
stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces
herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign
reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. He's out the door like a
shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch
her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is
wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to
the next four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up
and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the
sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20
pounds. I love this company, he thinks to himself, I never knew
losing weight could be so easy and so much fun.
Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and
subscribe to the companies 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. Are
you sure, sir? asks the representative on the phone. This is our most
rigorous program. Absolutely, says he, I love your program. haven't
felt this good in years! The next day there comes a knock at his
door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200
pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes
and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative
of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, If I can catch you, I can have you.

Posts: 510 · Posted: 07.07.2008, 20:45

The Perfect Worker

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report
sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered
lines.