Never Argue with a Woman

Posts: 654 · Posted: 05.07.2008, 00:26

AS A MOM PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN. OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR. SHOCKED, SHE ASKED:

'WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?'

THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: 'MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A
HUSBAND! PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.'

THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSE D BEDROOM DOOR.

UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR. TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID:

'DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME
ALONE.'

A COUPLE DAY S LATER, MOM CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM.

SHE ENTERED THAT AREA AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.

THE WIFE ASKED: 'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?'

THE HUSBAND REPLIED: 'I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW.lmao

Posts: 510 · Posted: 05.07.2008, 01:08

Posts: 526 · Posted: 05.07.2008, 01:40

another one from my mailbox.....

One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back> country road at about 30 mph when he noticed that there was> a three-legged chicken running alongside his car. He stepped> on the gas but at 50 miles per hour. The chicken was still> keeping up. After about a mile of running the chicken ran> up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house.> The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and> drove up the farm lane. He knocked at the door and when the> farmer answered he told him what he had just seen. The> farmer said that he was a geneticist and had developed this> breed of chicken because he, his wife and his son each like> a drumstick when they have chicken and this way they only> have to kill one chicken. "That''s the most> fantastic thing I've ever heard," said the> salesman. "How do they taste?" "I don't> know," said the farmer. "We've never caught> one."

Posts: 526 · Posted: 05.07.2008, 01:41

and another

The Irishman's Wish >

> An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp> at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it.> Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three> wishes." The Irishman thinks awhile. Finally he says,> "I want a beer that never is empty." With that,> the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of> beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it> is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next> two wishes. The Irishman says, "I want two more of> these."

Posts: 526 · Posted: 05.07.2008, 01:44

and another...

> Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid > form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for > use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour > himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, > and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and > just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new > concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. > > Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants > and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, > there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge > erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. > If you don't send this to five old friends right away there will be five > fewer people laughing in the world.

I have more but will let you stop crying from laughing so hard first. So more tomorrow.

Posts: 2053 · Posted: 05.07.2008, 02:06

9 WORDS WOMEN USE

1. Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and
you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five
minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to
watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing :This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you
should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4. Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders
why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing.
(Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make
to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how
and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're
welcome.

8 .Whatever : Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9. Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is
something that a woman has tol d a man to do several times, but is now doing it
herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's
response refer to #3.

Posts: 2053 · Posted: 05.07.2008, 02:25

Daddy, how was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

Scroll down...You'll love this ...

"You got Male!

Posts: 2913 · Posted: 05.07.2008, 04:29

Rainbow, darlin' ..............

You have just told me my favorite modern joke!

L'ed MBO! Still laughing. I DO love it! Thank you!

Your Guru

Posts: 2053 · Posted: 05.07.2008, 17:54

XXXOOO

Posts: 510 · Posted: 05.07.2008, 18:04

Oldie, but goodie :

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"

Posts: 526 · Posted: 05.07.2008, 20:39

Ok I said I would be back today with some more. So here I am hope you are ready to laugh. I will start slow. maybe some politics hmmmm.

Al Gore was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that
flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and
said to Mr. Gore, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' he said. 'How about global warming?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me
ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff grass - .

Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out
a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.

Why do you suppose that is?'

Mr. Gore, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to
discuss global warming when you don't know *please do not swear*?

Posts: 526 · Posted: 05.07.2008, 20:39

THE BLONDES ARE AT IT AGAIN

Two Blondes With Hammers...

Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'

Carol explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'

Donna got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'

Posts: 526 · Posted: 05.07.2008, 20:40

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'

Posts: 526 · Posted: 05.07.2008, 20:40

You might have to think twice about this one.

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of

her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'

'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor.

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3, 000.00 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

'So then?'

'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

Posts: 526 · Posted: 05.07.2008, 20:41

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad

hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it

to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he

decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail

pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started

blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little

harder, and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her and

asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman

had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello!